benchspeak

happiness

i recently told a friend, quite spontaneously, that i have to experience being in a stable, enduring relationship with a guy to somehow justify for myself and eventually to the "unenlightened" people around me this kind of life i've chosen to live. why so?

you see, like what's often heard in "outing" moments onscreen and offscreen, friends and family alike usually tell the gay character that his queerness is ok to them as long as he's happy, healthy and safe.

happiness. the concept definitely varies as supposedly close as even between a married couple. in my case, being a 23-year old gay man in the closet, plus plus, happiness primarily includes finding the man who's adorable enough to watch while he sleeps, smart enough with whom intelligent conversations can be shared, and faithful enough not to get std from.

unfortunately for me, in my three years in this lifestyle, i've yet to find that man, or at least, be in a relationship with a man for more than five months. someone may really have to possess the skill in falling for the wrong guys, or damn hopefully not, the traits of someone who's destined to grow old alone. i'm afraid i cannot disclose my identity to other friends and especially to my family unless i can't confidently and honestly say that i'm happy being who i am.

i would admit to be envious of guys around my age who have been successful in maintaining long-term m2m relationships. not during a few instances have i caught myself worrying about my age vis-a-vis my chances of finding my brand of "happiness" in this life.

2k4 no doubt goes down to history as just one of those heartbreaking, empty years. i dont expect much, although of course surprises are welcome, in the coming year.

posted by bench @ 11:23 AM